...And she told me to leave

Fucking hell I’m such a downer -___- sorreh guiz

Nothing

I haven’t missed this. I feel like crap. I miss certain things like mad right now. I’m gonna fail my exams. And I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The one plan I had, ever, wasn’t well thought out and it’s basically gone to shit. Even now I should be revising for aforementioned exams which I’m going to fail instead of spilling shit out for strangers to mindlessly read in some ill attempt to find some satisfaction either in the fact that there are other people who, like them, feel like bullshit; or, the fact that there are people who feel worse than them.

Most of my friends are leaving for uni next year, I am not ready for that. I haven’t realised that I won’t be seeing them and that next year, everything is going to be fucking depressing. Not even sad or lonely, just fucking depressing. I cannot see my life without them. It’s impossible for me to comprehend something like that. What the fuck. The friends I thought I would actually always be friends with have disappeared, I might see some of them but they’re fucking ghosts. I don’t know if others are even still fucking alive. They are besides the point however, it’s my current friends who are the point. Every single fucking one of them are some form of comfort to me, a necessity. And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without them. Even still I can’t see not being with them next year. I just fucking hope that they’ll still give a shit - I bloody hope they give a shit now - because unfortunately I always fucking do. I don’t usually feel anything for anything except pure irritation with the world. But there is something about these people that makes me fucking think. If it all goes to shit, I’ll get over it but I’m hoping it doesn’t. It probably will. Maybe it already has.

I’m leaving that there before I think too deep and make my head implode.

Last week I told people I was worried about exams, they said I’m smart, intelligent, I’ll be fine; thing is, I am shitting myself. I’m not smart or intelligent and it’s not even about that. It’s about controlling my fucking brain and the thoughts it thinks. One of my teacher’s can’t teach for shit and she teaches two of my subjects - the only two subjects I have exams for. Pretty fucking good that. When I fail, I should be able to retake next year, thing is I don’t particularly want to spend another year being told about shit rather than being taught, just to fail again. Last week, she told me I was brilliant. Out of the blue at the end of a lesson. I should have felt good, I don’t get that a lot. Ever. I did at first, for about half a second. Then I was irrationally irritated because I knew she said it because I was overtly pissed off at everything, in a previous lesson with her that week and maybe she thought I needed a boost of self esteem if you like, or just to make me feel better. I felt like fucking giving her the finger.

The other thing is, I’m STILL sitting here typing this nonsense when I should be fucking revising. But I can’t tell it to anyone because everyone else is dealing with it. They have their own problems. It’s like that feeling alone in a crowded room bollocks. I know everyone feels and thinks shit like that all the time but it’s hard to believe it because no one’s going to come out and just say it. You can’t see it on their faces. It’s theirs to think in their own heads.

Right now, as I’m typing, I’m not feeling anything again. My fingers are pressing on the keys, I’m staring at the screen and somehow my brain is producing these words to construct sentences that essentially mean nothing. They mean nothing because what I’m talking about are trivial things. They do not matter because they are not the big picture. But, as little as I care for things, there’s a tiny something in the very pit of my stomach that makes this shit matter to me.

I’ve tried to distance myself from new people who come into my life. This time I am going to try to stick by it. I am going to try and not give a fuck. The people who are in my life now are all the people I need in my life. I do not need more ghosts in the future. I do not want to miss as much as I do now. How can someone miss life when they are still living? Truth is I don’t. I miss what makes my life and that is everything and everyone in it. I don’t make it myself. I don’t live it myself. It is made and lived due to other people. I generally don’t like people. At all. For various reasons. Those is my life now however, I do like. Very much so. Love even. Or, is it just that I think I do because again, I can’t see a life without them?

I don’t know what I’ve been talking about. I feel selfish for talking about my small insignificant thoughts. I feel silly. It is silly and yet I’m going to post it because I’m a fucking philosophical genius.

Tbh, I don’t even know but, everything can just fuck off.

Fucking fuckity fucker fucks.

Man, I can’t wait for all the ‘Nu yr, nu me!!!!!!111!!!!1!! xoxoxo o<3 <3*^)_|”£$%^&*()’ posts

Seriously, da fuck these people on?